How to Become the World's Fattest Man

Since the beginning of time, a man's desirability has been equal to his girth. A big belly, full face and robust backside show a woman that you are affluent enough to feed yourself well. This is why all of this century's male sex symbols have been portly: Jackie Gleeson, Homer Simpson, The Notorious B.I.G., the list goes on and on. Just take a look at Marlon Brando. Once a skinny and struggling actor, Brando made the wise decision to put on a couple hundred pounds. Women flocked to see the now morbidly sexy Brando in films like Apocalypse Now and The Godfather.

Currently, the studliest man alive is Mexico's Manuel Uribe, who weighs in at 1,234 pounds. Let me tell you, the ladies can't keep their hands off him.

My friend, you can equal or even surpass Mr. Uribe's rugged beauty and suave sophistication. By following the five steps listed below, you can become the world's fattest man.

Eat Proper Portions

Whenever you sit down to eat, think to yourself, "How much of this would the average family of five consume?" Eat three times that much.

Eat Balanced Meals

When many men go on weight gain programs, they mistakenly limit their diet to fatty sausages and other red meat. Though meat should be the cornerstone of any diet, eating it exclusively can cause the body to start burning fat instead of carbohydrates. Make sure you're eating plenty of bread, preferably with butter. Put cheese on everything, even if it doesn't make sense. Also remember, sugar is your friend.

Always be Eating

Many men seem to forget that they can eat while they are using the rest room. If you're going to be sitting down for several minutes anyway, why not bring a candy bar with you? Or even better, a cake. Also, many hard candies take a long time to dissolve in water. There's no reason you shouldn't be eating them in the shower.

Deep Fat Fry Everything

A quarter pounder is delicious. A deep fried quarter pounder is sublime. The process of deep fat frying can drain nutrients and add fat to almost any food. Even fresh fruit and vegetables, which are usually a no-no, can become edible when dipped in hot oil.

For Goodness Sakes, Don't Exercise

Remember that any sort of body movement can burn calories. Even walking to the store to buy more food can slow down your weight gain considerably. You'll never become the world's fattest man by walking anywhere. If you absolutely need to leave your house, use a scooter or electric wheelchair. A vast majority of your time should be spent on a bed or a couch in a state of complete motionlessness. Try not to blink or breathe too much.